#mind write a meta post that doesn’t turn into a fucking essay challenge

[its-your-mind]

*deep breath in*

the fears 👏 have always 👏 been (in one way or another) 👏 parallel 👏 to 👏 desire 👏

let me explain.

so many of the statements given by actual avatars center around some sort of need that was met by their entity. Lots of them even had a positive relationship with the fear that drove them.

Jane Prentiss is an excellent example - the Corruption has always been about a form of toxic and possessive love, but she personally has a deep desire to be “fully consumed by what loves her,” and finds a perverse joy and relief at allowing herself to be a home

Jude Perry is another - she fucking loved watching people’s lives be utterly destroyed. The Desolation only offered her a power of destruction on a grander scale, and then gave her a more intense rush of joy as she did its work. When she tells Jon that he needs to feed the Eye before it feeds on him, it’s almost as an afterthought; she was happily feeding the Desolation long before it burned her into a new existence.

Simon Fairchild. Every time that old loose bag of bones wanders into the picture, he is having a fucking EXCELLENT time playing with the Vast. He loves showing people their own insignificance, and he loves luring them into situations where he can throw them into the void as he smiles and waves.

Peter Lukas (hell, the whole Lukas family (except Evan. RIP Evan.)) hated. people. all he wanted was for them all to go away, to leave him alone. The Lonely only fulfilled that desire.

Daisy, Trevor, and Julia, all devoted to hunting those things they deemed monstrous.

Melanie, holding tight to that bullet in her leg because on some level, she wanted it. It felt good, it felt right, it felt like it fit right alongside the anger and spite that drove her to success.

Annabelle Cane first encountered the Web when she was a child, running away from home in order to tug on her parents’ heartstrings in just the right way to have them wrapped around her little finger. Later on she volunteered to be the subject of an ESP study. Hell, she’s the one who dangled the “Is it really You that wants this?” question over Jon’s head in S4.

And that brings us to Jon, beloved Jarchivist, the Voice that Opened the Door. Ever since he was a child targeted by the Web, he was looking for answers. He joined the Magnus Institute’s Research Department looking for them, he stalked his coworkers in search for them, he broke into Gertrude’s flat and laptop out of desperation for them. And when he realized that all he had to do was Ask to get truthful answers to his questions? It was only natural for him to jump at that opportunity.

Elias told S3 Jon that he did want this, that he chose it, that at every crossroads he kept pushing onwards, and the inner turmoil that caused was one of the focal points for Jon’s character through the rest of the podcast.

There’s a certain line of thinking in many circles about the power of the Devil: he’s not able to create anything new. All he’s able to do is twist and warp that which was already present, making it something ugly and profane while still maintaining the facade of something desirable.

Jon didn’t choose the Eye. But he did wander into its realm of power, exhibiting exactly the qualities it was most capable of hijacking and warping to its own ends. Jon didn’t choose the Apocalypse. But Jonah picked at him little by little, pointing him towards each Fear individually. Jon didn’t want to release the Fears. But the Web tugged on his strings just so and laid a pretty trail for him to follow until he reached its desired conclusion.

Jon didn’t choose ultimate power, or omniscience, or even his own role as Head Archivist. But he said “yes” to the right (wrong?) orders and kept on pushing for the right (wrong?) answers. He wanted to succeed at the work he had been assigned. He wanted to protect his friends. He wanted to rescue them when they were lost. He wanted to prevent the apocalypse, to save the world. He wanted to know why he was still alive, when so many had died right in front of him.

The Great Wheel of Evil Color that is the Entities might not fit as neatly into categories in this universe - maybe there was no Robert Smirke trying to impose strict categories on emotional experiences, or maybe the ways they manifest in the world has turned on its head (goodness knows many of them have been showcased and blended in some very fun and new and horrifying ways so far) - but their fundamental foundations seem to be the same. Hell, in episode one we learned that there had been enough individual incidents to create a distinction between “dolls, watching” and “dolls, human skin.”

Smirke’s Fourteen isn’t going to be relevant as common parlance, RQ said that already, but I don’t think that means the Fears themselves (and their Dream Logic-based rules) are different - I think it means that the levels of understanding, language used, and personal connections among people “in the know” are going to be entirely unfamiliar

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 118: The One Who Caused All Might’s End

Previously on BnHA: KACCHAN AND DEKU!!!!!!! ALONE! AT NIGHT!! KACCHAN WAS ALL “I KNOW ALL MIGHT GAVE YOU HIS QUIRK” AND DEKU WAS ALL “YEAH, WELL!... SO WHAT!” AND KACCHAN WAS ALL “WELL DUH THAT MEANS I WANT TO FIGHT YOU BECAUSE ALL MIGHT’S REALLY GREAT, SO IF HE GAVE YOU HIS POWER THEN YOU MUST BE REALLY GREAT TOO AND MAYBE I WAS WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME, SO LET’S FIGHT” AND I ALL BUT FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR. AND THEN KACCHAN DOVE AT HIM AND JUST PLOPPED HIM WITH A BIG OL’ RIGHT HOOK SAME AS ALWAYS AND DEKU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT AND KACCHAN WAS LIKE “LOL” AND THEN HE WAS LIKE “BRING IT” AND ALL OF A SUDDEN ALL MIGHT’S FACE WAS THERE AND WOW!!! BNHA, GUYS!!! IT’S A GOOD MANGA I LIKE IT A LOT!!!!!

(ETA: just a reminder that I write the “previously on” things immediately after I first read the chapter while it’s still fresh in my mind. I'd say this particular one captured my emotional state at the time pretty well.)

Today on BnHA: Aizawa’s ponytail makes its debut and it’s everything I could have ever hoped for. Also he gets a call from U.A.’s robot security about his two problem children having a fight on Ground Beta after curfew. But before he can head out to stop them, ~A MYSTERIOUS SHADOW~ greets him outside and who could that be, I wonder. Back at Ground Beta, Deku tries to talk Kacchan down and avoids his attacks while Kacchan grows increasingly desperate. Finally he breaks down completely and fucking screams at Deku to fight him, and reveals that he blames himself for being the reason All Might retired, and that he can’t stop thinking about it, and he doesn’t know what to do. So basically he’s a mess, and there are feels strewn about all over the damn place, and Deku -- who never could turn his back on someone who needs saving -- realizes that he has to fight back, because right now he’s the only person who can help.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 151 now, so any ETAs will reflect that. I’m not gonna make any progress this week; I’m too busy writing Kacchan essays and waiting for the holidays to wind down lol.)

“A Meaningless Fight” not to me it’s not

lol the security camera caught them putzing around after hours. and identified their homeroom teacher and notified him

DALSHFKALSDFKSLHKDL THE PONYTAIL!!!!!!????

THIS MUST BE WHERE THE ANIME WAS AT WHEN I FIRST STARTED READING. NO WONDER TUMBLR WAS AWASH WITH BAKUDEKU FEELS AND AIZAWA PONYTAIL SPAM. THIS IS AMAZING I LOVE LIFE

(ETA: yeah so this episode aired on September 15th, right when I was in the middle of reading the Sports Festival arc and the series was slowly beginning to take over my life. there were indeed a ton of gifs and reaction posts floating around, and I’m pretty sure this was right about when I realized it was time to block the “bnha spoilers” tag until I was fully caught up.)

now Aizawa’s stepping outside, but someone’s out there already. IS IT ALL MIGHT AND HE’S GONNA BE ALL “DON’T WORRY I GOT THIS”?

(ETA: it is indeed, and this means that All Might already knew the boys were fighting even before Aizawa did, even though Aizawa was the one who got the security alert. I’m only half-joking about him having some kind of tracking device implanted on Deku. it’s either that, or just some crazy good dad instincts. either way, one can’t help but be impressed.)

whoever it is, Aizawa seems surprised to see them

boy and I thought the last chapter was good. but barely two pages into this one and we’ve not only got Aizawa’s sexy ponytail, but also

(ETA: the smoke really adds to the effect here. does so throughout the whole chapter, in fact. Kacchan has such a cinematic quirk)

I stan one (1) amazing and incredible manga series

Deku’s asking again do they really have to fight. he clearly would rather talk it out instead. because like, apparently that’s suddenly an option that’s on the table after all this time?? KACCHAN IS CAPABLE OF TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS, WHO EVEN KNEW?

Kacchan’s impatiently doing that explodey hand thing, but Deku’s gonna try and talk this one out anyway

but Kacchan’s attacking again

aahhhhhhhh META PART TWO!!!

somehow they look even younger in these flashbacks?? like this Deku cannot fucking be older than two. how do they even remember all this??

he’s screaming at Deku to fight him back and not just run away

more flashbackssssss

(ETA: oh hello is it time for more essaying. let’s say yes.

Kacchan’s feelings about Deku are so complicated. much more so than Deku’s own comparatively simple if contradicting feelings. clearly they got along well enough when they were little. but then Kacchan fell off that log and Deku tried to help him and Kacchan was like “WHAT! EVEN THOUGH I WAS CLEARLY FINE! HOW DARE” and that was that.

so we know from the chapter coming up after this one that Katsuki somehow got it in his head that Izuku was looking down on him. mostly this seems to stem from a genuine misunderstanding of Deku’s desire to help. Katsuki has always been very independent and likes to do things for himself. this is part of what he associates with being “strong”, and it’s clearly something he was already being admired and praised for even at a young age, so that no doubt further reinforced things in his mind. now add to this the fact that most four-year-olds are still learning and developing when it comes to empathy. so it genuinely might not have crossed Katsuki’s mind that not everyone feels the same way as he does when it comes to wanting and accepting help. put this all together, and we end up with Kacchan misinterpreting Izuku’s well-meaning gesture, and feeling insulted and patronized, and the two of them have their falling out.

and yet Izuku keeps following him.

even after Kacchan starts insulting him and beating him up. he’s still there, always, following him around like a shadow. and so Katsuki gets even meaner. at some point Izuku has to get the message, right?? but apparently not.

and so it keeps escalating. Katsuki gets worse and worse. but even though Izuku is now afraid of him, he still can’t help being drawn to him. meanwhile Katsuki can’t fucking understand why Deku won’t fucking quit no matter how horrible Katsuki is to him. so he once again takes it as Izuku being condescending. this is Izuku’s way of challenging him. showing that it doesn’t matter what Katsuki does, because Izuku will still always be better than him.

but here’s the thing. that idea of Izuku thinking he’s better than Katsuki -- that couldn’t have just come out of nowhere like that. if he really did believe Izuku was just a quirkless good-for-nothing weakling, it wouldn’t have bothered him that much. that kind of anger doesn’t just come out of left field, and it certainly couldn’t have sustained itself for that long unless there was something deeper fueling it. that something being fear. in other words, Katsuki hated Izuku because deep down he was afraid that somehow Izuku really would surpass him. because he knew from the start that there was something about him, something he didn’t understand, which made it all the more frightening. that something being Izuku’s heart; his spirit; his will to protect others. his Main Character Energy, which radiates out from him at strange times, and takes over in those instances where “my body just moved before I could think.” it’s what made All Might choose him as his successor. we’ve all seen it. y’all know what I’m talking about.

and even though Katsuki doesn’t understand it, some part of him can still feel it all the same. but where Izuku is drawn to Katsuki’s own strength, Katsuki is intimidated by Izuku’s. very likely in part because of his zero-sum mentality. if he acknowledges Izuku’s strength, it’s the same as acknowledging his own weakness. Izuku has something he lacks, and he knows it, and he’s somehow smug about it. he thinks he’s better than him! but fuck that, because Katsuki’s the one who’s going to be number one! right?? but there’s that nagging fear that maybe, just maybe, that isn’t true. and so he gets worse and worse, and tries to get Izuku to stop trailing behind him, tries to shake him off. but it doesn’t work. and so the cycle continues on and on.

and then UA. and all of a sudden, Izuku has a quirk. and is suddenly growing at a prodigious rate. and Katsuki’s growing too, but not as fast. and this is it. this is everything he was afraid of. and every time he hits a setback, and every time Izuku has another victory, those doubts start to gnaw at him more and more. until finally, Kamino.

but we’ll get to that in a minute. to be continued.)

he’s remembering the consoling speeches All Might gave him in chapters 11 and 62. why yes I have Kacchan’s angst chapters memorized. what, doesn’t everyone

omg

-- HE’S COMING AT DEKU WITH A KICK

HE’S NEVER FUCKING DONE THAT BEFORE. HE DOESN’T FIGHT WITH KICKS CUZ HIS FEET DON’T FUCKING EXPLODE DUH. BUT HE’S KICKING DEKU THOUGH, AND WHY?? COULD IT BE BECAUSE DEKU FIGHTS WITH KICKS NOW. OR MAYBE HE JUST FUCKING FELT LIKE KICKING HIM I DUNNO!

LOOK AT THIS!!!

WHAT A CLEAN AND COHERENT FUCKING ACTION PAGE AND I LOVE IT!! DEKU PULLING SOME CAPOEIRA SHIT

NOW KACCHAN’S STUMBLING BACK, AND HE’S STILL THINKING “WHY”

and he’s just lying there now and isn’t getting back up

give me angst. should I go make some popcorn. I want angst now. give it

DEKU IS EXTENDING HIS ARM AGAIN

lol remember back when he was being calm about this. or pretending to be calm

he’s fucking SCREAMING at Deku to fight him. “WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”

and he keeps asking “why”

oh my god it’s what I thought. it’s exactly what I thought isn’t it. isn’t it. it is. isn’t it

(ETA: I’ve written so many essays about these two that I kind of lost track, but I think this is referring to the one I wrote as an ETA for chapter 42 here, about why Katsuki couldn’t stand it when Deku offered him help when they were four. but little did I know that Kacchan was actually about to shift to another subject entirely!)

tissues should I get some tissues. I’ll go get

oh shit you guys. lol. :’D

hahaha. okay wow

just. give me a moment to process

like. so this whole time, he looked down on Deku, but actually Deku is doing everything right, and now he’s the one who keeps fucking up. and now apparently he blames himself!? for what happened to All Might??! so on top of his weird complex with Deku, now there’s guilt there also, and for something that was absolutely not his fault. oh shit

oh my god. angst baby. angst for days angst for weeks lifetime supply yessss

tell me more about your guilt Kacchan. let it out honey

(ETA: shout out here to Okamoto Nobuhiko, Bakugou’s Japanese VA. I assume everyone reading this has watched this episode in the anime, but if not, do yourself a favor and go check that out, because all of the emotions from the manga are cranked up to 11 and it’s amazing. and Bakugou’s VA in particular does an incredible job of capturing the turbulence in his emotions. his voice wavers and cracks and vacillates between angry and confused and frustrated, and he sounds every inch like a 16-year-old boy who’s just overwhelmed and fighting back tears and trying to keep himself together. he just totally sells it, and it’s easily one of the best vocal performances I’ve ever heard in an anime.)

holy. just, this is even more than I ever dared to hope speculate, honestly. as horrible as Deku felt about it, Kacchan was completely fucked up by it too. not only is he dealing with the reality of a world without All Might just like everyone else is, he’s also been struggling the entire time with the weight of the thought that it was him. his fault

(ETA: hello I’m back.

so! Kamino. Kacchan gets kidnapped. somehow he’s singled out from among all the possible targets the villains could have had, and they think they can turn him to their side. and even the media is talking about how ~unstable~ he is and maybe he really will do it. he doesn’t, of course. and he talks big and he keeps his cool and he does his best to fight back. but it’s tense. and maybe a lot scarier and more dangerous than he cares to acknowledge at any point.

but then All Might shows up. All Might, his childhood hero, the man he looks up to more than anyone. All Might saves him. and things do get pretty dicey for a bit. for a few seconds he actually ends up back in the villains’ clutches, or very nearly at any rate. but then All Might is there again, and then somehow Deku and Kirishima and the others show up too, and they help him escape he goes along with their escape plan even though he totally had it under control, so that he doesn’t get in All Might’s way. and that’s it. he’s safe again. all is well.

except that it very much is not. because all of a sudden All Might is struggling. and then suddenly he’s different. all of a sudden he’s transformed into this scraggly-looking skeletal figure right before their eyes. and just like that, everything changes.

and in the end All Might still wins, in spite of everything, because it’s All Might. but something is still terribly wrong. and then all of a sudden All Might is pointing at Deku, and “you’re next,” and the pieces finally click into place. Deku has All Might’s power. All Might gave Deku his quirk. All Might himself recognized Deku as someone worthy enough, strong enough, to receive that power. here Katsuki is, getting recruited by fucking villains, and meanwhile Deku is being acknowledged by the hero they both admire.

there are some very obvious implications here. clearly one of them is doing something right. and the other one is very plainly not. it’s possible, even, that this is something Katsuki has suspected in the back of his mind for a while now, even before all of this. something he was in denial about, but was secretly becoming more and more certain of.

and then All Might retires.

that fight against All for One -- the fight that only happened because All Might had to rescue him -- ends up being his last stand. all of a sudden he’s out of commission, his power spent. all of a sudden the unthinkable has happened. all of a sudden there is no more Symbol of Peace.

and all of that. is. Katsuki’s. fault.

“if I’d only been stronger...” “if I hadn’t gotten captured...”

so he starts having thoughts like this. but then the thing is that he can’t tell anyone. because no one else is supposed to know about All Might giving his power to Izuku. so they wouldn’t know that All Might was already weakened going into that battle with All for One. that he was weakened, but went into battle anyway in order to rescue him. and in doing so ended up using up the last of his power. because of him. he fucked everything up.

and imagine if they did know. what would they even think? the world is in chaos now and it’s all his fault. villains are running amok, society is in upheaval, and everyone is feeling the stress. All Might’s walking around all bandaged up with his fucking arm in a cast because you know, it’s nice to have that visual reminder too of just how close he came to actually losing and fucking dying instead of just retiring. and he still won’t acknowledge the connection he has to Deku, though. so clearly he’s still trying to keep it a secret, and so Katsuki shouldn’t bother him about it. so he tries to just move on, because what else can he do.

but he can’t stop thinking about it. the thoughts keep surfacing no matter what he does. he can’t relax, he can’t escape them. and the thing is that he’s very obviously distressed by all this, because here he is now fucking breaking down in front of Deku of all people. showing weakness; fucking crying in front of Deku, because that’s how bad it is. bad enough that he wasn’t able to keep holding it in. bad enough that he had to confess it to him, because he was the only one he could talk to about this, because Deku is the only other one who knows. and you can see the pain in his expression and in his body language, and hear it in his voice -- and once again, props to Okamoto for that, because damn -- enough so that I don’t really need to keep breaking it down. it speaks for itself. when your guilt is hurting you so badly that you start spilling your guts even though you cherish your pride above everything else, and even though you fucking despise the person you’re spilling your guts to, that means it’s bad, guys. it’s really fucking bad.

tl;dr Kacchan is not okay. hell, that could have been the title of the fucking chapter. or this whole fucking mini-arc. my boy needs hugs. but in the absence of hugs, sincere rival beatdowns and heart-to-hearts will also suffice.)

Deku is making the same face he made when he learned about Todoroki’s past

and now, after having a moment to process it, he’s responding in the same way that he did with Todoroki

oh shit dude

like, I know Kacchan likes when people take fights seriously but damn. why did I fucking laugh

yessss heal his wounded heart Deku. by fighting him. help him feel like he’s not just a useless bum who’s somehow been going backwards and making things worse

EMBRACING THOSE FEELINGS HEAD ONNNNNNNNNN YESSSSS

I can’t believe it’s the end of the fucking chapter again! and that I get to click to the next chapter right away! binge reading is the best you guys omg

  there isn’t a bonus because this was the end of the volume! too bad, we’ll just have to make do with this being the greatest chapter of all time. poor us

[dukeofriven]

Frisk on the Road to Damascus: A Pseudo-Essay on Converting to Undertale

So 664 days after it was released, and 382 days after I purchased it, I finally, finally, finally beat Undertale.

And... I loved it. Controversial opinion: it’s really good.

But it took me a while to love it. Let me explain, because I’m sure y’all are super interested in me doing so.

I had about five false starts playing Undertale, and all five of those false starts was how fucking irritating I found the sound of Flowey and Toriel’s dialogue. I have a hypersensitivity to sound, especially frequencies, and the sound of Flowey and Toriel’s dialogue is... not pleasant, especially at first aural blush. I got used to it when it when I finally powered through it, but if there were any major changes I would make to Undertale it would be better sound controls - being able to cut the audio down on the dialogue by even 25% would make a big difference to it on an accessibility ability level* ** It was Undertale that first ‘inspired’ me to get Tumblr Saviour - first because I didn’t want to be spoiled by a game I heard was good and wanted to play relatively unspoiled, and later because  I didn’t want to be reminded of the game I was having so much trouble with.

What was it that made me pick up Undertale long enough to get through it? As usual, it was podcasts (there’s a small paper to be written on how podcasts got me interested in pro wrestling, but that’s a whole other story.) The superlatively good Let Me Tell You About Homestuck podcast relaunched a little over a year back (shoutout to excellent co-hosts @yuri-librarian and @betgirl ), and when I found out I dived back in, and in the process rediscovered my love of Homestuck. Homestuck and I had a falling out during the gigapause and Homosuck - at the time it felt like the webcomic’s author was pissed at his own comic and actively self-sabotaging it, and even though I caught up with the comic before the ending I was still disgruntled with it and not willing to engage with it much.

But listening to LMTYAH re-ignited fandom joy within me - a euphoric Road-To-Damascus re-conversion I can only describe as ‘George Bailey coming back to existence at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life.' I gleefully snatched-up the pesterlogs and clutched them to my chest. I waved cheerfully at [S] Descend and [S] Cascade. “Merry Christmas you old mspaintadventures!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as I pelted through the snow to hug my beloved Beta Kid family again.***

You can’t discuss Homestuck anymore without discussing Undertale, which was so clearly fed by Homestuck, which was in turn fed by Undertale, because media is an incestuous slurry. Part of the issues with coming back to the Homestuck dialectic table is that you can’t ignore that big ol’ bowl of Undertale sitting between the roasted trans-media experiments and the mashed potatoes. If, every time that bowl gets passed around, you put your hands over your ears and and scram ‘LA LA LA LA LA I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT’ then the other guests are going to look at you funny and your nearest neighbour is going to conclude that they’d rather sit through that pompous lecture by the vegan on the other side of them after all.

It’s not a great dining experience, is what I am trying to explain with this increasingly overcooked analogy. I wanted to eat with the rest of the guests - I wanted to watch @revolutionaryduelist’s video on Undertale themes and Homesick themes. I want to suck it up, be an adult, and eat like a goddamn grown-up.

So I grit my teeth, grabbed the bowl, and started shovelling large spoonfuls down my throat. I think this is how grown-ups eat right?

I didn’t like the taste at first. What brought me to Undertax more than anything was the idea of the pacifist run. The games that have this as a legit option are few and far between, and some of them (e.g. Dishonoured) get downright nasty about it. Undertake wasn’t nasty about being helpful, but it didn’t make it easy, either.

Some of you may  feel the need to note that ‘the pacifist route isn’t supposed to be easy,’ to which my response would be ‘shove it up your bum you git-gud wankeroos.’ There are two types of ‘hard’ in video games - one of challenge, and one of ability. The excellent puzzle game The Witness doesn’t greatly challenge ability (for sighted people, at least) - by and large almost all of its puzzles just involve drawing a line. The Witness is hard because the puzzle are so tortuously, mind-bindingly challenging. By contrast, a platform like VVVVVV doesn’t preset much mental challenge - it barely has anything like a puzzle that I can remember, but in terms of ability it requires lightening-fast reflexes and great timing (Somehow I beat that game -I still don’t know how).

Undertale is not a hard-challenge game, it is a hard-ability game, and I flat-out suck at its bullet hell mechanics. All my frustrations with the game were met at the bullet board - if I could make one other major change to the game it would be slightly improving the speed of the heart cursor. Time and time again I violently cursed because I had just missed getting out of the way of something with a cursor I found sluggish and unresponsive, as though my keyboard was laggy. A poor skill level coupled with what felt like hardware problems made for an increasingly difficult experience, one in which I felt like the game was almost taunting me: “oh, you want to be a good person, huh? Too bad - you lack the skills to be a good person. You’re not going to get through this without resorting to killing, you intrinsically violent, terrible person."

Staying alive through the confrontation with Undyne drained me, and by the time I was on my second iteration of Mettaton being a shitheel I just felt burned-out. The story still felt pretty flat, and wasn’t really drawing me in. The hardest decision I had had to make was at the very beginning of the game - Toriel’s home, and Toriel herself, were so lovely and sweet that I still resented the game for making me have to break her heart. I didn’t want to leave her house, I just wanted to stay and live a nice life with her in the Underground. But no - the game wanted me to have  heroic destiny and shit so fine, guess i’ll go back to the surface I don’t have much interest in seeing. Since leaving Toriel’s house all I had wanted to do was return to that tranquility and warmth, and instead I just got more monsters trying to kill me. The stuff with Papyrus had been very funny, but the game still wasn’t sinking its claws into me - it was a quirky but light RPG, funny, but not funny or deep enough for me to understand why a big bowl of it was sitting at the Homestuck dialectic table other that Toby Fox had worked on both things - which seemed like a weak reason to include it. (Remember the Homestuck dialectic table? That didn’t stop being a thing or anything)

So I walked away again and did other things over several weeks, possibly months. I finally came to terms with the fact that my vision is permanently damaged and got myself a Kindle so I could read again. I read a book on the Apollo programme and took another crack at Bleak House. I watched an episode or two of Lucha Underground, got caught up on The Adventure Zone, and went through every post ever posted on @revolutionaryduelist’s Tumblr. I fantasized about buying a new computer. I told myself to watch the Little Witch Academia TV series and forgot every single time - and so on.

And then I watched Car Boys.

Car Boys is one hell of a ride, no pun intended, a strange mishmash of video game fault testing and emergent meta narrative that ends up surprisingly emotional and affecting - and as the credits rolled I made the always unwise decision to wander down into the Youtube comments, where I discovered the fun ‘Car Boys is just like Homestuck’ argument which, natch, led me back to thinking about Homesick and Video Games - and, ultimately, Undertale.

“Fine,” I told myself, “I guess I’ll beat it, at least to finally have one thing in my over-glutted Steam Library I have actually seen-through to completion.”

So last night I booted up my Steam, made the conscious decision to stop trying to get my just-bought 360 controller to work with Sonic Adventures DX via wine (it keeps crashing), and booted up Undertale.

For a while it was just fine again. I don’t like Alphys, even after beating the game: she reminds me of a lot of shitty people I’ve known in my life, and the story uses her lack of self-confidence as sort of a moé defence - ah, look at how cute she is, isn’t that adorable, she feels bad about what she’s done - without ever actually examining that behaviour in any critical detail. Alphys being an adorkable anime fan and her relationship with Undyne are all great character traits - but it doesn’t make her a good person, and the game never truly calls her to the mat in much the same way that it sort of glosses over Asgore having condoned the murder of six other humans (but he comes into the story so late I find him less of a character and more of a symbol.) Alphys gets a whole ‘trip to the dump/romance role-play’ subplot after being revealed to have deliberately ordered a bunch of monsters to at least make a pretence of killing you in order to make herself look like a hero - and that's before you get to go into her basement and learn the really shitty shit she did with dying monsters' souls. I mean Jesus Christ Alphys how come nobody calls you on this!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I helped Mettaton’s ratings, left him to be patched upped by Alphys, and made my way to the castle walls - and the writing started to get really good. I loved meeting with Sans and his talk about the true nature of EXP and LOVE, loved walking into the throne room for the first time, loved the moment when I realized Toriel was the Queen-in-Exile - coming upon the New House was genuinely moving… but then I reached Ashore, and it wouldn’t let me TALK to him, and I didn’t like having to fight him after a full pacifist run, and also he was really hard.

So I swallowed my pride a little and googled vague hints for ways to make the fight easier. I learned that yeah, I absolutely had to fight him, and then I went and ground Cloud Glasses back and forth to the Temmie Store to unlock the Temmie Armor and earn the cash to stock-up on my beloved Bisicles. So equipped, I went and fought Asgore for the final time, thus beating this game that everyone raved about for reasons I could not understand.

Then the game ended and suddenly started to get really, really, really good. Much like Homestuck in Act 6, Undertale’s starts pushing the boundaries of games themselves, using save files against you and deliberately crashing the game. Omega Flowey is a goddamn nightmare, a visual headache who rails against you and the concept of friendship, and while he was a frustrating fight for the first time I felt like this was less a reflection of my shitty skills and more a deliberate choice of the part of the game to show what monstrous power he wielded.

As I was sent back into the world, I was eager to go find Undyne. I had to look-up where she lived because I had totally forgotten that her house existed - in fact, I had forgotten Papyrus had ever said anything about meeting up at Undyne’s house, so I never befriended her in my original run. The moment Undertale moved from a game I was starting to enjoy to one I knew I loved was the moment Papyrus leapt out Undyne’s window - late in the process to fall in love with a game? Perhaps, but so it was.

Missing Undone the first time through felt so narratively satisfying to me that it wasn’t until writing this that it occurred to me that it was something that didn’t have to have been missed - the run-in with Undone hardly ends on a high-note: after a miserable shield-fight and a whole lot of fleeing you give her a cup of water and she slinks-off into the night. It wasn’t something that exactly screamed ‘She’s Ready For A Friendship Lesson.’ I kept expecting her to show back up somewhere in New Home Castle for Round 2: Redemption Boogaloo, but it never happened. Then Sans got Anubis on my ass, the King of All Monsters got murdered by a flower and my game crashed on purpose - sort of forgot about her no-show appearance.

So there we were: breaking windows, sipping tea, making the worst goddamn spaghetti it’s ever been my misfortune to make**** and having a wonderful time. Other than my general misgivings about Alphys being let-off way too lightly by the narrative*****, after that first reset Undertale was practically a perfect game for me. The ending made me feel mushy and sappy, the epilogue where you get to pace around and talk to just about everyone felt so unbelievably RIGHT - if you want to head out and make one last personal connection with everyone you’ve ever met, you can pretty-much do that. Ben Croshaw wrote quite elegantly that Undertale represents “the triumph of kindness, reminding people of who they were before tragedy twisted them.”****** That kindness is what makes the game so compelling - what makes reading-up on the Genocide route feel so legitimately horrific and transgressive. It’s going to stick in the back of my mind every time I am needlessly rude to someone, overly sarcastic, or just my usual ‘less kind than I wish I was’ self. Homestuck wallets just went on sale today and I immediately bought one and then felt bad for all the Tumblr posts I saw for worthy causes - I SHOULD GIVE UP ALL MY WORLDLY POSSESSIONS TO THE POOR AND GO PREACH THE GOSPEL OF ACTING WITH MERCY as Undertale teaches.

It’s the kindness that will stick with me - and dear God, reading about the Genocide routes makes me nauseated. I’m the guy who claims that this time his Mass Effect play through will be Renegade and then goes 100% paragon again except for being rude to Anderson (because screw that dill weed - oh, geeze, I have failed Undertale again.)

Anyways, long, convoluted, not-very-coherent opinion: Undertale is a good game. Sorry it took me so long to learn that.

*but if we’re going to talk about accessibility in video games we’ll be here all year: an especially big fuck you to all those games who don’t let you change the font size for all of us with really poor eyesight (which is to say essentially all games).

** And what is it with games being embarrassed to have their text dialogue scroll past without some kind of irritating sounds? Undertale at least uses the noise as a form of expanding character identity, but the world is littered with sprite JRPGs who think dialogue is best accompanied by a garbled, repeating beep.

*** Re-experiencing the comic multiple times gave me so many more insights I never used to have. Revisiting Act Six and Homosuck, especially through @betgirl‘s eyes, I found so much to love. Which there is some serious problems in it (The Dancestors and Abuser Gamzee), there’s so much more joy, depth, and thought then I remember. I don’t know if, at the time, with the broken pacing, it was possible to see the shape of the narrative arc that Andrew Hussie was trying to tell - the deconstruction of the nature of storytelling, video games, and the ‘Problem of Mario.’ It’s really good, you guys, and you do yourself a disservice if you have never read it.

**** Undyne is right, by the way: homemade pasta is unquestionably the best and super easy; its only major flaw is that it’s just time-consuming, especially if you’ve got to hand-crank an antique pasta machine to roll it out. KitchenAid sells a pasta roller attachment for their mixer for an amount that justifies a class uprising all on its own.

***** I’m not some weirdo going ALPHYS MUST BE PUNISHED but Alphys should really, you know, actually apologize for the shit she pulled. Yeah, she says ‘I got scared of my amagalgamtions and cowardly didn’t tell their families about it,’ but not being honest about it is the most insignificant issue here. Much more pressing and things like Experimenting On A Human Soul, Actually Making the Amalgams In The First Place, Setting Up A Bunch Of Death Traps So She Could Insert Herself Into Your Life As A Hero. I can forgive Alphys - I think she is a genuinely good person who made misguided and out-right foolish mistakes and should never have had the job she had (I hear Toriel fires her in one ending which fuck yeah Toriel, only one with sense.) Undertake doesn’t need to re-write a damn thing about Alphys - I would just like one more scene in which Alphys admits culpability for the original problem rather than just an aspect of the fallout.

****** And it should be stressed: Alphys deserves kindness (and a good therapist). I don’t want a kangaroo court or anything like that - my issue is with the narrative, not Alphys personally.

Asgore, though… dude kinda murdered six children? Do people talk about that, because they ought to.